No Stank You 2.0

THE MOB PLEDGE

(Say the following out loud, really loud, then check “AGREE.”)

I solemnly swear that as a member of the No Stank You MOB, I will not let tobacco turn my mouth into a 24-hour gag factory that can’t be helped by even six packs of the strongest gum they sell, even the stuff you need a prescription to get—if that even exists. I won’t make my lungs look like they got stuck in a chimney for three years then dragged behind a swamp buggy for 83 miles, then eaten and coughed up by a stray cat. I realize that over 50% of tobacco chewers have oral lesions and 80% of teens would rather date a nonsmoker. And that smoking can cause “Black Hairy Tongue,” which is even more stanktacular than it sounds. I will not make my clothes stink like funky-foul smoke stank so that, when my friends or a hot male/female gets near me, they won’t wish their nose had been lopped off in a weed-whacker accident. And if I even look like I’m thinking about breaking my MOB pledge, my fellow MOBsters have the right to yank on the little hairs on my neck as many times as it takes for me to snap out of it. And it’s my duty to do the same for them. Forever and ever that’s it.

AGREE